Dating After Divorce

This was the lecture I was most looking forward to this semester because divorce is complicated in itself but when you add in the element of dating after divorce, everything gets sticky and sticky is interesting.

One of the problems with dating mentioned was that people don’t really have much to talk about other than their divorce and their ex considering their life was their ex before now. Forward thinking, I’ve made it a point to never make a partner my life. I understand that it’s easier when you’re younger because you have your future to talk about but when you’re dating after divorce, there’s no reason why you should only have your ex to talk about. If you’re in your 50’s when you start dating again, you have 50 years of experiences to talk about. So you were married for 20 years? What about the other 30? Didn’t you take a crazy trip someplace, break a few bones, win a ton of money gambling? I just have trouble accepting that a person can feel so defined by their past relationship because I feel like that’s a really strong sign that you’re not over it yet. You have to be a separate entity from your significant other, even if you’re still with them. I’d never want to live in the shadow of what I used to be involved with or even what I am still involved with. I define myself, not my significant other.

I thought it was kind of predictable that divorced people marry other divorced people. Why wouldn’t you? It’s easier for a person to understand the hardship of divorce if they’ve already been through it or are going through it themselves. I would imagine that a single, recently divorced mother would have difficulty dating someone who first of all has never been married, let alone divorced. I’m sure a divorce alters your perception of the other gender and how two people are able to live with one another and grow together and share a vision of what life should be like. A single person who has never been married or had children might not have the experience to step in as a new spouse or parent. Especially when it comes to raising kids, it’s like switching horses mid race. 

I think it’s so so sad when people get divorced and then lose all of their friends when everyone chooses sides or backs out completely so not to get involved. That’s the time when you need friends most. I guess that’s why I’d say it’s so important to have friends external of your spouses friends. People to have around whose first alliance is to you, not your spouse, in the event that sides really did need to be chosen. 

There are some really good things about online dating, if you overlook all the negatives. We are risk-averse people by nature. We do everything possible to hedge our bets to reduce uncertainty and increase chances of positive outcomes. Women disclose a lot of information on their online dating profiles because it’s a way to hedge your bets against getting hurt when you start dating, let it out that you’re divorced and have to face a new problem. If someone knows that about you up front, it becomes far less risky than before because you can leave it up to the other person to decide if you have too much “baggage.” Men seem to be reluctant to hedge that bet. They seem to think that they can win with their personality, looks and career and the fact they are divorced or have kids is just one of those things they throw in at the end because maybe they don’t have custody and don’t recognize how much that can affect a new relationship. Women seem to be dating in a way that says “here’s what you’re going to have to deal with, do you still want me?” while men say “do you want me? Oh…. And here’s what you’ll have to deal with if you take me.” Also, men who are divorced might still date like they’re single. They name out their accomplishments hoping that will win over a woman while women may consider their kids to actually be their highest accomplishments and neglect to mention the accomplishments in their careers or personal lives. 

The concept of getting your baggage out early bothers me a lot. I feel like people who do that haven’t really realized that everyone has baggage, it’s not like you’re the only one with skeletons in the closet. My attitude when it comes to baggage is that you will find out about it when it comes up. Sure, I have my fair share of baggage, but there are pieces of it that no boyfriend has ever heard, even after a year. That piece of information is reserved for people who need to know it, not the third or fourth date. You don’t have to dump your past on someone at the beginning. Wait for them to like you and want to be around you and then give it to them in small doses so one by one that person will decide for themselves, is this person worth their baggage? But if you give it all up at once, your date gets overwhelmed with all the bad news and might not get the chance to see your best attributes: the ones you have to see, not hear about. 

Expectations are really important in all relationships. And I don’t mean “I expect to get laid by the end of the month.” Not all that long ago, my dad handed me this book written by Steve Harvey that talks about what women need to know to have successful relationships with men by understanding how men think and what they want. My dad emphasized that he wanted me to read it because having expectations about how someone will treat you is the first step in protecting yourself. In terms of expectations, I’m not sure that divorced people have the expectations that they should, or maybe they have too many. As the parent with custody of a child after a divorce, expectations for a dating partner should be much higher (in my opinion) which may make it difficult to find an appropriate partner. If I was a single mother, I’d expect my date to show up on time and be respectful of when I need to be home or times I may turn down going out to stay home with my child. I’d expect them to respect my child and later in dating, treat my child like they would treat their own. Even if I didn’t have a child, I’d expect my date or new boyfriend to respect my privacy when it comes to dealing with my ex unless I ask for help. 

Until this lecture, I never really thought about how difficult it is to be divorced and back in the dating scene. I’ve known plenty of people who have had to do it but I didn’t think about the little things that make dating difficult. And after thinking about that, it makes me want to get married less to avoid the worst of the breakup that my generation may be thinking is inevitable. So much for happily ever after I guess.